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[ Writer ] = Sol Sadguy
[ 08/23/05 ] = The American Sad-Ass

I'm going to start by admitting I'm not a big fan of wrestling games, or wrestling in general. A couple of actors beating the shit out of each other with chairs? Not exactly a merry jaunt to symphony. Besides, there's that whole "big-sweaty-steroided-out-asshole-trying-to-molest-the-ass-of-another-big-sweat-steroided-out-asshole" thing going on. Not that I'm homophobic, but you have to admit- there's something not exactly, well... heterosexual about a couple of guys trying to press the flesh of another against a canvas mat while millions watch.

I'm rambling. Back to business.

The character roster in WWF Royal Rumble (1 - 2 players, for the SNES, by LJN) is pretty good, rounded out with big names like Brett "The Hitman" Hart, Yokozuna, and the Undertaker (who had an identity crisis of sorts when he stopped wearing all the black and hanging out with Paul Bearer to go ride motorcycles). Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy? He had the admiration, respect, and awe of no less than 5 million teenagers/children/rednecks with his snappy hat, his perpetual glower, and the strut of a man who has probably devoured children while beating the shit out of nuns.

Ack... I'm going off on a tangent again. Sorry, it shouldn't happen again.

The controls are great, and that's probably because this game was made before the time of "up-down-up-forward-back 360 Z+B+3+e = MC squared only while your Adrenaline meter is flashing and the crowd is chanting your name" moves that required rubber thumbs to pull off. You can get your character to move easily, getting in and out of the ring is nice and easy, and you can also grab chairs to plunk down on some fool's head. That reminds me of the time during Wrestlemania (I forget which one) when 'Taker plunked the chair down on top of Shawn Michael's head, and it sounded like a single kernel of popcorn going off in an empty coffee can. Oh man, that was sweet.

Gods above, what the fuck was this guy smoking when he turned into a complete fucking fuckstick?! Dropping all the attire that marked him as a GODDAMNED UNDERTAKER, he instead opted for a mechanic's uniform, complete with totally trashy bandannas and a big fat ass bike. Gone were the days of the bitter rivalry with Kane, and in with the days of "The American Bad Ass." In he comes, defiant and cool, with all the grace of a one-legged drunk trying to ride a unicycle for the first time, all while that totally tubular guy KID ROCK belts out an asswhippin' tune on the PA. Look closely on that bike - you can see training wheels.

I was almost hoping that dipshit would careen into the crowd, screaming at the top of his lungs while the bike spits sparks like a volcano with diarrhea. BOOM, into the crowd he goes, and while a score of fans die he whines for his mommy, at the same time threatening to smash someone's head in if he doesn't get a lollipop for his boo-boo. Take the fucking shades off, you simp - I'd rather see your eyes glaze over like they used to. That was always a sure warning sign that someone that night was going home with a fucking caved in skull.

Instead of "American Bad Ass," he should have been "The American Sad Ass." Yeah, that sounds great. Say that to yourself while you imagine the aforementioned crash into a group of hillbillies. For a few more kicks, also picture the medical personnel stepping over the quivering body parts to get to Sad Ass while he holds his knee, loudly proclaiming with tears streaming down his face that he "thinks it might be bleeding."

From 'Taker to Faker. What the hell is with you, man? I'm glad that you went back, but that brief stint as a rebellious biker makes you about as menacing as the guy in Hot Topic who can summon demons to take your soul.

...Holy shit, I did it again. I am so sorry.

All in all, the old 'Taker gets 9 out of 10, The Sad Ass gets 3 out of 10, and the "Reborn" 'Taker gets 8 out of 10.